Al Franken's 2016 Democratic National Convention Speech

Al Franken delivered at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia on 25 July 2016.

Transcript
Hi everybody. Hi. Save it– save it for the end.

I'm Al Franken. I'm Al Franken, Minnesotan, Senator, and world-renowned expert on right-wing megalomaniacs. Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and now, Donald Trump. Now, a little about my qualifications: I got my doctorate in megalomania studies from Trump University. Sure: I had to empty out my 401k and take a reverse mortgage on my house to pay tuition, but Mister Trump – or rather, some people who said they'd once met him – convinced me that it was worth it. And, frankly, as a proud alum of Trump U, I think we may be misunderstimating Donald Trump.

Sure: he's scammed a lot of people. But did you know that Trump University's School of Ripping People Off is ranked second in the nation...right behind Bernie Madoff University. That is no mean feat. And Trump University is about more than just bilking people. Although, trust me: you will get bilked. It's also about learning directly from success experts like Scott Baio, Mike– Mike Tyson, and, of course, a lifetime– lifesized cardboard cutout of Mr. Trump himself.

Now of course Trump University wouldn't Trump University without its business school. Their bankruptcy program in particular is known throughout the real estate investment community for its creativity. The most popular course – Bankruptcy 101: How to Leave Your Partners Holding the Bag – is taught by the cardboard cutout itself.

The pride of Trump University, of course, is its library, located on a shelf in a closet on the third floor of Trump Tower. All of Mister Trump's bestsellers are available for sale at a special rate for students, which is ten percent higher than the retail price. Clearly, Donald Trump's enormous – dare I say: huge – success as a businessman qualifies him to be President. And if you believe that, I've got some delicious Trump Steaks to sell you.

In all seriousness: I think, rather than voting for someone who's never done anything for anyone other than himself, maybe we should go with a candidate who's spent her entire life working to get important things done for the American people. I've known Hillary– I've known Hillary for almost a quarter-century. I've never met anyone smarter, tougher, or more ready to lead us forward. I am proud to call Hillary Clinton my friend, and I can't wait to call her Madame President.

Now– now we're going to have– we're gonna have a lot of fun this week. We're going to have a lot of fun this week. But when we wake up Friday morning, there will be just 102 days left until the election. And what you – yes: all of you – what you do in those 102 days could determine who wins. And I mean that literally. I won my first race for the Senate by 312 votes. There's my Minnesota delegation; there are people up there who contacted more than 312 people themselves, and, literally, I would not be– here. The reason I am– they are, each of them, individually, the reason I am giving this speech here, and not into my bathroom mirror.

My friend– my friend, Paul Wellstone– my friend– my friend, Paul Wellstone used to say: "The future belongs to those who are passionate and work hard." This week is about passion, but starting Friday morning, it's all about work. Hard work.

Now– now: many of you have jobs. Many of you have families. Ignore them.

Let me tell you something: kids love it when their parents aren't home. They love it. And let me tell you something else: an eight-year-old kid knows how to use a microwave oven. And let me tell you something else: an eight-year-old kid can teach a four-year-old kid to use a microwave oven. It's just scientific fact! Don't worry about your kids: they'll be fine. You have work to do. Get on those phones; knock on those doors; and tell them Al Franken sent you!

Thank you.